I just can't believe this!

I can't go get the kids now after all. Devastated.

THEY'RE FINALLY COMING HOME!

Reader's Digest Condensed Version: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The judge has decided that the supplemental guardianship is no longer necessary and I am making arrangements to take the kids home.

Still can't believe it...

First verse reminds me of my babies. I LOVE YOU!

Happy Birthday, JOSHUA!!!

I love you, my sweet 12-year old! You are such a wonderful young man and I am so proud of your accomplishments and who you have become. I wish so much that I was with you today but I will be with you soon.

You are the best, Josh.

I LOVE YOU!

Mom

Vindication!

I have been cleared of the 'findings' that the New Hampshire DCYF had against me!!!

The first hearing in NH was the one where I proved I did not know what Brett had been doing.

In addition to learning of the overturning of the findings, I learned a lot of other fabulous news. We're on the home stretch, folks!

I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NH Pics

For some odd reason I can't upload right now. I'll try again another time, but for now check them out on FaceBook - I'm uploading a ton!

New Hampshire

I know, I know. I said I'd blog the whole NH thing but it was just easier to post on FaceBook so I did that while I was there instead of blog. I'm sure that most of you who follow my blog also follow me on FaceBook, so maybe a lot of you are up-to-date, but here's the Reader's Digest Condensed Version of what took place in NH, just in case:

6/9/09 - At EMERGE (the place I had to go to have SUPERVISED visits with the kids), I got to visit with the kids for one hour just after the flight on the first day there. The kids are all growing TOO FAST, of course, and Shannon is as tall as me, and with her long feet and arms, like a puppy, she'll be growing still. They all remembered me except for Brenna, but she got more comfortable after a while and started playing with me in no time. She hugged me several times; even called me Mommy quite a few times (got it on video!!!) Nate was excited to tell me about how he can now ride his 2-wheel bike! All of the kids are as comfortable with me as I am with them. I wish I could talk to them about how it would be at home, but as time goes on, I hope to let them know that it's not the same as it was before. Right at the very end, Nate stayed behind the others after we all gave our goodbye hugs and said, “Mom, are you going to be here tomorrow???” I said, “Absolutely!” Mona (the Emerge director) commented on how awesome that was!

6/10/09 – I feel very strongly that the DCYF hearing went well. Interesting tidbit: the neat lady judge at the DCYF hearing could see for herself after reading all 60+ pages of what I’d sent that I’ve been having trouble being able to visit the kids (even recently having trouble talking to them,) yet Brett was able to be there for a week. The funny thing is that the DCYF recommended that I be allowed to see the kids (recommendation was ignored, obviously) and then they further recommended that Brett NOT be allowed to see them (recommendation was - once again - ignored.)

At the guardianship hearing, Jenny's attorney (Pat Hayes) said that since we didn't have time (our time was encroached upon by the previous hearing by over an hour) for all our witnesses to be questioned, and since we didn't have the findings of the DCYF hearing earlier that day, and since, “Jenny & John are concerned that Mandy hadn't bothered to visit the kids before today…” that we should continue the hearing later. I then got up and basically said to Judge Cyr, “Your Honor I DID try to see my kids in August but against the DCYF's recommendations, the Barnharts wouldn't let me, yet she let Brett visit them, once again, against DCYF's recommendations,” etc. I asked the judge what am I supposed to do to get the kids back. No one, not DCYF, not Jenny & John, not the kids’ counselors – NO ONE has told me what to do to get them back. He said he couldn’t tell me anything. He said he would not make a decision until after the results from the DCYF hearing were available...that's the main reason for the continuance of the hearing. So that was that. I set the next hearing date for August 12th.

For this visit all 3 of us (me, mom, Robyn) got to visit and play with the kids at Emerge! I, of course, got to spend 2 hours, mom got the same 2 hours and later mom asked Mona about Robyn joining us and she decided it would be ok! We brought food to them, played outside on swings, and inside with toys. All the while Mona watched, listened, and took notes very carefully for evidence. At the end of the visit, Brenna squeezed me so tightly and said, "Mommy, I want to go with you." AWESOME!!!!! I said, "Honey, you don't even know..." (Robyn had to leave the room... my strong-as-steel BFF couldn’t handle how awesome it was!) When our time was up, Mona took me into another room and I thought she was going to make a comment about something I’d done wrong (you can’t be too careful!) but she asked me WITH INTEREST, “How did the hearings go???” so I told her how it all went. She also basically told me that she couldn't see what all the fuss was about (referring to the need for supervised visits) and that I should subpoena her notes for these two days of visits for evidence at the next hearing.

6/11/09 – I visited with a very neat lady at the DCYF and she was such a doll to help us and answer questions, etc. She was VERY sympathetic about how the 2^nd hearing with Judge Cyr went. Anyway, at the DCYF, we all talked a lot about what to do, what steps to take.

The whole trip was completely whirlwind - driving as fast as we could from the airport in VT to the visitation place. From there to the hotel in NH. From the hotel to getting up early to view interviews, then the 1st hearing, then driving to the 2nd hearing, then driving back down to VT for the 2nd visitation, then back up to NH to the hotel. Then getting up early for our newly made appt with DCYF, then we drove down Main Street in Littleton for like ONE hour, had lunch at the same spot that Lori and I did back in August, then drove straight to the airport in VT. It was crazy! But seeing the kids for 3 hours alone made the trip worth it!

Sidenote: the very next conversation I had with the kids, the Sunday after, during the conversation with Nate, I said, (words in quotes are exact wording) “Thanks for playing with me the other day!” (Referring to the visit at Emerge.) He asked me if I was still there at Emerge and I told him I wasn’t. I said, “I wish I was!” He said “I wish I were at your home then I would see you. I want to be there with you, alot.” I told him soon! He said, “Yeah but Jenny & John won’t let me.” Then I changed the subject so Jenny & John wouldn’t jump in and stop the conversation for me saying anything they wouldn’t want me to say. How cool is that though, what a sweet boy!!!

It's "Tomorrow"

Ok. It's 1:11 am. I have been cleaning, packing, showering, organizing & going over things in my head all day long. I am not going to sleep tonight because at 4:00 am (less than 3 hours away) I will have to leave my house to go pick up Robyn then we will drive to my mom's where my step-dad, Richard, will drive us to the airport. I am mostly packed. But since "mostly" isn't "completely," I am obviously not finished. I must pack more still, and double check that I haven't left any important paperwork or items of clothing *gasp* behind. So since this Epstein-Barr/Chronic Fatigue-riddled body of mine needs exhorbitant amounts of sleep, I am not going to try to sleep for a mere 2 or 3 hours and then attempt to wake up. I'll try my luck sleeping on the plane next to 2 of my 3 mothers. (Love you, Lynne!) I should sleep soundly.

My blog has had more hits than it ever has, I think. Many people have heard of my story and have shown interest, some even helping in their own ways. I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for supporting me in this endeavor to reclaim guardianship of the loves of my life - my 5 kids. I COULD NOT do any of this without the love, support and prayers of those of you who know my story and what's going on. Some of you I don't even know. But believe me, along with my prayers for my children, I also pray in thanks for the many people who support me. I will never be able to repay any of you for what you have done for my family, but please know that I am eternally grateful.

Never in my life have I ever had to fight so hard, but I have never been as strong and smart as I am today. I cannot regret the decision that was made to send my kids to New Hampshire for a short time while I tried to appropriately arrange my life. What started out as a temporary thing ended up going haywire, ugly truths were revealed and major, life-changing decisions were made. The time has now come, I believe, for my children to return to my home - to their home. I do not know the outcome of this but I do want everyone to know that whether I bring them back or not, I will recognize the Lord's hand in every aspect of it. I will fight harder - harder than I've ever fought for anything - to get these kids returned to me. But if it is not the Lord's will for them to return with me at this time, I will still thank Him at the end of the day and start again, asking Him for guidance and for the understanding of what is and what will ultimately be.

Well, blogger audience, it is now 1:29 am. I am off to pack some more. Until the next installment, may the Schwartz be with you - I'll blog when something interesting happens. Or maybe if nothing happens at all...

To my Shannon Kaye, Joshua Wayne, Cassidy Mae, Nathan Alden & Brenna Marie:

I am on my way! In less than 17 hours I will see your smiling faces! I can't even believe it! I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Tomorrow's almost here...

So I'm writing this as I should be cleaning, packing, studying, or anything other than what I'm doing. I just can't believe I'm going to see my kids tomorrow! Minus the visit back in August for one hour with Brenna, I haven't seen them for 15 months - since March 25, 2008. I can't wait! I hear Shannon's as tall as me now, and her shoe size is way bigger than mine. Josh is doing very well in school, Cassie only has 10 months to go til she's baptized, Nate is ready for Kindergarten & Brenna has changed the most, since she's the youngest. Since they've left, Shannon's gotten a perm, Brenna's gotten a 'bob' haircut, all 3 of the girls have gotten their ears pierced. I wonder how tall Josh is now... He's 11!

So Robyn Jackson, my mom and I all fly out at 7:11 tomorrow morning. We'll land in Burlington, VT and travel south to go directly to see the kids for an hour. Then we'll go to the cute little Country Squire Motel in Littleton, NH, where Lori and I stayed before. Then I have the DCYF hearing on Wednesday at 10:00 am and then the Haverhill Family Court hearing in an attempt to "Terminate Guardianship."

I am doing my best and praying it'll all go as I'd like, but not holding my breath because I don't want the disappointment should it not happen the way I (and everyone else in the real world) believe it should.

Hopefully I can take pictures and post them here also. Keep checking in!

To my children...

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Happy Birthday, CASSIDY!!!

Here are some really fun pictures of my middle baby, Cassie. She has the sweetest spirit and is also my spunky girl. I love you tons, Cassie, and I miss you so much! Have a great birthday, beautiful baby! Love, Mom

Grandma Susan's New Doggie Sami

So since Grandma's old puppy Auggie died last week, she got another one yesterday. She looks a lot like Auggie but I think she's cuter! They named her Sami and she's younger and more playful! Here she is!

Sister Carol Lemon

Shan, Josh, Cass, Nate, Brenna - as I was at church today, Sister Lemon came up to me and told me she had put an old picture in her purse today. She pulled it out and then kinda took it back and said it'd probably make me cry, but then handed it over to me. It was this picture of all you kids (and me) at her house when you were practicing to sing a song. Do you remember? Well this was taken at Christmas-time in 2006. Look how young you all are!

Anyway, I didn't cry just then, but during Sunday School I did. I miss you guys! And Sister Lemon misses you too! She told me how much she misses you kids and wishes you were here. She has been undergoing chemotherapy for a while now but is getting better. She wears a scarf and a hat on her head every time I see her. She is a little weak and has trouble with being either really cold or really hot, but other than that she is doing well. She is such a sweetheart!

Lily is starting Activity Days this Wednesday and Sister Lemon is in charge of it now just like she used to be. It will be fun!

I LOVE YOU ALL - and I miss you tons!

I'm getting off the computer right now to CALL YOU!!!

Love,
Mom

Puppy Wuppy!

Daisy either sleeps under the covers in the crook of my legs or here - under my chin & arms. Lori caught this picture as she was just waking up a bit, and then she promptly went back to sleep. She definitely is a spaz dog but so cuddly and snuggly!

Happy Birthday, SHANNON!!!

Today is Shannon's 13th birthday! I can't believe you are a teenager, Miz Shannon!!! Here's a slideshow that I put together with pictures of Shannon when she was younger. You are soooo beautiful! I LOVE YOU SHAN!